Understanding Stock Market Terms Today

Published: April 16, 2009

Along with revising history to suit our needs, we are remaking the definitions of several commonly used terms:

CEO -Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET – A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER – A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – An archaic word no longer in use.

Thanks to Mirela Monte of Myrtle Beach, SC for this gem.

And a couple famous (or should be) quotes of the day.

Lord, the money we spend on government, and it’s not one bit better than the government that we got for one-third the money twenty years ago! Will Rogers

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? Peg Bracken

If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see it with representation! Rush Limbaugh

Last modified: April 16, 2009 at 4:19 pm | Originally published: April 16, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Printed: September 24, 2020